The Fooderist Thanksgiving turkey

This recipe was passed down by my neighbor, who made it up while pretty high on salvia last year. If it doesn't taste good, you're doing it right:

1. Buy a turkey. The bigger it is, the longer it will take to thaw, which means you should get a really tiny one if you're starting at 1 p.m. on Thanksgiving day. Like a turkey fetus.
2. Brine it in Yeungling, Old English or if absolutely necessary, PBR.
3. I don't know what "brining" is either. Look it up.
4. Rub some herbs and seasoning on it: Rosemary, pepper, Cholula, tarragon, cinnamon, allspice, Lowery's, Himalayan pink sea salt, Mrs. Dash, hot chocolate mix—whatever you have in your cabinet.
5. Put that shit in the oven. 350 degrees? Sure.
6. Check on it once and shrug your shoulders.
7. Take it out when it smells like burning in your house (may take several hours).
8. You really want the outside to be kind of crispy, so if it's not, just use a Zippo to crisp up the skin.
9. Get your drunk-ass uncle to carve it. Better his thumb than yours. If no drunk uncle is around, just get a kid to do it or something—they're right at eye level with the thing.

Merry Thanksgiving.